Skip to main content

falling is not the hardest part

Falling is so much easy.

People always say falling, dropping, plummeting down is the hardest. It destroys, it tears, it humiliates, it breaks everything. 

Honestly, the most struggling is not about that. It's in the middle of wanting to fall but not fall. It's the hanging part that shit the pants. It's the suspense. It's the almost there but not there. 

It is so much tougher when standing at the end of two broken grounds…the dilemma is real. It’s head splitting and soul shattering… tearing me apart slowly…and it's so...shitty

Me rn

People make decision based on the majority votes, the pros and cons, the most effective one, the good or bad…

What if the decision need to be made UPON yourself? It is about you…

Facing dilemma between the past you and the future you is so freaking hard. The past you is so amazingly awesome, doing just fine and have everything you can dream of.

Yet, deep down you know that’s not the real you. Something is missing. Something feels just not right. That feels like an upfront you who put on a façade.

The present you feels that too. The present you wants nothing more than just her own desire and want. She becomes a selfish bitch, yet it feels like herself. You are you. You feel you.

But, it’s not as simple as that. We live in a world with people. With actual human being. There is no denying part that living in this Earth has to be more than just caring about ourselves.

Unless you are fucking rich enough to buy an island and live by yourself over there.

Unless you are fine with just talking with yourself or animals or plants or air.

Unless you are fine being a bitch.

But I’m not.

I’m totally not fine about that.

I even feel like being this privileged brat is also not right. It also drives a fucking big hole in my heart. That I don’t know it exists until it dooms me into doing something anguish and destructing to people around me.

I realize it’s really not fine about this shit. AT. ALL. 

This shit is fucking hard.

How to find a balance with it is hard.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

I need to find comfort for this split.

Need to find a great balance with demon and angel.

It’s time.

About time for that shit digging.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

YES Pain YES Gain

‘No Pain, No Gain’ has been a rather common heard idiom that someone will say while encouraging others to be more open to challenges and try new things so that more opportunities and experiences can be gained. This is ME  from The Greatest Showman           I have always been so open to new experiences that my life motto is “LAI!” to every challenge or rants my friends threw at me. “Lai” means ‘come on’ in Cantonese. Like, how I sometimes call out my poop in the toilet. The irrational and reckless Vivian will not consider the consequences and say YES to every fcuking dare people threw at me. This can lead to some really terrible consequences. Yet, I never did learn my lesson. Because of something I hold dear to, NO REGRET!           I led a really adrenaline-rushing year in 2019, because that year the rebellious, egoistic, careless monster was controlling my whole body and so...
Post a Comment
Read more

Insecurity from nowhere

Recently I have been obsessed about this 2018 Thai TV-series. “Girl from nowhere” plots around a girl named Nanno, who transfers to different schools and exposes everyone’s dark secrets behind the facet of the 'innocent' education institution. Inspired by true story, this series really gives me all the feels and senses in brain! Nanno from Nowhere               To me, Nanno is the representation of our inner darkest side. According to  Bangkokpost , she is described as the daughter of Satan or the snake from the Garden of Eden who comes to Earth to give forbidden fruit to humans. In each episode, she shows up at different school to test and reveal  how evil humans can be .             When I was watching it, I was horrified and scared of the depiction of this character. Not the kind of standard horrifying scared scenes from the sudden appearance of ghost or bloodlust monster...
Post a Comment
Read more

Mental Health 0.1: Are you an Impostor among Yourselves?

  Disclaimer: This post is not related to the current trending game: Among Us, at all. (how I wish it is…). Okay. Back to the topic:           “Man, you don’t DESERVE all the applause!” “C’mon you are not even THERE yet!” Another voice comes in: “Nah, you just get LUCKY only! Do you really think this is good ENOUGH?”           Sometimes, all these voices come from people around you, but most of the time it comes from the voices within yourself. If you feel that way after managing to finish a task or achieve something, I guess you get a little bit of impostor syndrome.           Imposter syndrome means the lack of affirmation of yourself after able to achieve something or complete a work by proven facts. You view your own success as being someone’s work. You view yourself of being lucky to be able to get a new job. You do not validate your o...
Post a Comment
Read more