falling is not the hardest part

Falling is so much easy.

People always say falling, dropping, plummeting down is the hardest. It destroys, it tears, it humiliates, it breaks everything. 

Honestly, the most struggling is not about that. It's in the middle of wanting to fall but not fall. It's the hanging part that shit the pants. It's the suspense. It's the almost there but not there. 

It is so much tougher when standing at the end of two broken grounds…the dilemma is real. It’s head splitting and soul shattering… tearing me apart slowly…and it's so...shitty

Me rn

People make decision based on the majority votes, the pros and cons, the most effective one, the good or bad…

What if the decision need to be made UPON yourself? It is about you…

Facing dilemma between the past you and the future you is so freaking hard. The past you is so amazingly awesome, doing just fine and have everything you can dream of.

Yet, deep down you know that’s not the real you. Something is missing. Something feels just not right. That feels like an upfront you who put on a façade.

The present you feels that too. The present you wants nothing more than just her own desire and want. She becomes a selfish bitch, yet it feels like herself. You are you. You feel you.

But, it’s not as simple as that. We live in a world with people. With actual human being. There is no denying part that living in this Earth has to be more than just caring about ourselves.

Unless you are fucking rich enough to buy an island and live by yourself over there.

Unless you are fine with just talking with yourself or animals or plants or air.

Unless you are fine being a bitch.

But I’m not.

I’m totally not fine about that.

I even feel like being this privileged brat is also not right. It also drives a fucking big hole in my heart. That I don’t know it exists until it dooms me into doing something anguish and destructing to people around me.

I realize it’s really not fine about this shit. AT. ALL. 

This shit is fucking hard.

How to find a balance with it is hard.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

I need to find comfort for this split.

Need to find a great balance with demon and angel.

It’s time.

About time for that shit digging.