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What I learnt from the Ceiling Fan in my room

When we are lost or start to feel hopeless and clueless, we will grab everything we see and hold on to it dearly. We will have this tendency to drive deeper into "the zone" to get us more into the "mood". When we are sad, we listen to sad song. When we are depressed, we watch tear-jerking movies. As if our inside world is not dark enough, we are just so attracted to ruin ourselves more. It drives us deeper to our shit and not wanting to find back the way out to the real world. 

            This notion hit me especially hard when I drove myself crazy with my mumbled thoughts lately. I was having insomnia the other night. I couldn’t sleep and might I tell you that I am a privileged kid that usually do not have problem of sleeping like a pig. So this was like a new-found field that I found myself so difficult to adjust to. I couldn’t sleep because all the bad shit that I could possibly think of started to squeeze up and consume my brain. The uncertainties and unknowns happening in the world - families, friends, relationships, career and future shit kept rushing to my brain like they fought to get my attention and shouted at me to focus on their problem first instead of the others. It was too fast that I couldn’t even brain it.

            My mind just shut down and I just mindlessly look at my ceiling with wide eyes and not much of sleepiness at all. As if the thoughts took control of my mind, I just zombie-like looked at the emptiness. But ended up there is no emptiness since I was still looking at something. I was looking at my ceiling and the fan in my room was right above my head.

            You have no idea how everything come after just struck me so surprisingly off-guarded. The ceiling fan coincidentally positioned in a way that a big Y was directed in front of my eyes. All of a sudden, boom! All shitty thoughts gone with one single syllable left in the room. I quietly mouthed the syllable out: Y.

No doubt my room is full of magic!

Y = Why

            A big WHY is plastered right on top of my head! I can’t speak for all but lately I have been always pondering so many, many, many things that I forget why it was even there at the first place. Why do I even start to have this idea? Why is it a concern to myself? Why does it matter to my life at all? Or does it even matter?

            I have been so caught up with the shit that I forgot why this thing helps me feel and makes me feel what I want to do after all this time. For example, I have always loved to write, but I am just like anyone who will face writing block. I struggle so much to come out the great content yet could represent who I really am. Do I write it for people or for myself? Do we do what we do now for ourselves or for people around us? Do we do it for our own view of success like freedom of expression and joy of helping people or people’s view of success like wealth and power?  

By not reminding ourselves constantly about our WHY, we will sway away from our original path and move further from the destination. 

            We will keep saying YES to every request people demand from us that we thought that’s who we are and what we want. It can be just illusion shit that everyone want to be feel wanted and needed. People crave for approval and compliment and respect from others, even strangers. We are all vain and shitty.

               I don’t really know how to end this piece as I struggle to think straight these few days.  This post sounds and does look like a lot of shit. So I guess I will leave you here going to your ceiling fan and look for clues there. Have fun with that.

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